Inside

7 08 2009
My Heart

My Heart

So I never walk in Fear , the word of God says fear is not of God.That it is nothing more than false evidence appearing real.

For the first time in my life I am in a situation that I can not find a way around or through.

I am tired
I am lonely
I am beat
I am mad
I am angry
I am hurt
I am confused
I feel God far from me
I have lost my Joy

The man who brought me into this world and left me when I was born,now needs me….Or maybe I would like to think he does, seeing as no one else is around.

I have been taking care of him, bathing,feeding him,you name it.

Sometimes I have an overflow of emotions inside of myself, because I feel like he does not deserve my time or attention, much less my love. But the truth is I have never stopped loving him.

He lived his life filled to overflowing in sin and now is reaping the harvest he has sown , after all those years. ( The wages of sin is death)

I fear today he will die soon…I see it in his eyes and I feel it in my heart…and I am lost for words…the perfect picture I painted has faded away ….and I fear he is running out of time, to repent and be saved.

He seems much like a baby to me today and not like a Man.He seems ragged and torn and I can feel an inner sadness rolling off of him when I hold him in my arms and pray.

I have moments where I wish we could start all over again .I wish I had the perfect words that would make it all go away .

But inside it is more than I can feel

My heart tangled to The CROSS

Kymberlyrenee

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6 responses

7 11 2009
regaz2009

Kymberly
I tried to leave a comment for you but it accidently was deleted before I could finish it I think.

In short I said that I am not certain why I woke from a sound sleep to check my e-mail or how I got to your blog. But I do understand what you are experiencing to some degree.

My mother has end stage Alzeimers and I have been on that journey with her for the past 8 years now. I have experienced all of the emotions you describe and a few others like betrayal, abandonment, frustration and being misunderstood. Even as I have talked to well meaning christian friends and leaders about it, their advice was poor at best because they have not experienced what I am dealing with and don’t know how to respond other than ratteling off a few choice Bible verses, saying a quick prayer and moving on to the next problem now that they have fully addressed my struggles. It felt like I was talking to Jobs friends.

I would not wish that anyone would have to go thru these struggles. To say it is brutal and difficult would be a gross understatement.

However, I have discovered God’s presence and work even in these matters. I have learned more about unconditional love then what I could write to you hear. I have learned much on compassion and mercy as well. I have discovered more about committment and strength of character and more on what it means to trust Jesus myself. This journey is not over for me yet but I am beginning to see fruit being produced in my life that is being recognized by others as well.

I am sure you are aware of this but I will say it anyway. It is always painful when the soil is being plowed in one’s life but God is probably planting seeds in your life now that you may not see until you have watered them with your tears for a few years.

Just because God happens to say no to you on a particular prayer request now does not mean that He does not have your best in mind. It is immature and childish to think that “no” is not a valid answer sometimes.

I would write more but I must leave now. I have a 4 hour drive ahead of me before I can get to my mom’s nursing home so I can feed her breakfast. She doesn’t remember me at all anymore but, I remember her and that is enough for me.

My prayers will be with you as you continue your journey,

Love in Christ,
Paul

7 11 2009
kymberlyrenee

Morning, Paul

Thank you for the email. WOW* this is a God thing 🙂

I know what you say to be so very true and I like you, feel many do not understand the depths of emotions that we must deal with when caring for someone we love , who no longer can care for themself.
8- years is a long time my friend- you must be worn out-or you have a Mighty Big God 🙂 which I am sure you do 🙂
There are days I wonderd how I would ever make it through…and days I just wanted to run away from it all.
Today my dad is doing much better and I have taken him to better doctors and they have taken him off almost all of his meds…and it has truly changed him for the good. He is now 80 and is walking with a cane and I still rise every morning and cook for him and help him bath and such..but he is no longer helpless.
My greatest fear is he will start to drink again and this time I will have to leave his side-I can not do this again and I will not -because of his old drinking habits…if he was just old ..I may stick it out but not if he abuses himself this way again.
I am back home with him now, this time, but only because God sent me to be…because he sure did not deserve my time or my love…but the Lord has been showing me that Love may just be changing him and I see now that it is-a little at a time.I countinue to sow seeds into his life , a bit at a time and I know they will take root and grow.-I have to remember that the Lord knows what he is doing-even when we do not…that I just need to Obey him.
I loved getting mail from you – and in fact it made me cry tears of relief ..just knowing someone else understands and is going through the same battle..and that I am not alone.
You have no idea how you have blessed my morning.
If I can be a friend or pray with you-please let me know and I would love to email with you .
I pray today that the Lord of all the earth -rains down on you with a heavy portion of His love and covers you in the warmth of his glory.
God Bless you brother
Kymberlyrenee

9 11 2009
regaz2009

Good Evening Kymberly,

It’s just me.

It is been almost 41 hours since I posted my original message. I remember typing it but, at that time in the morning, I was not sure if what I said would be understood. I am happy it resonated with you. I am also happy to hear that you are having an impact on your father’s life. I will keep him in my prayers as well and that he will remain sober.

I also wanted to let you know that you are not alone. Those feelings are a lie and, I know you know that but, I also know it is nice to hear that sometimes especially during struggles in one’s life.

For me it was difficult to talk about these things with others at first partly out of pride, partly out of embarassment and partly out of denial. I suspect this is not uncommon. However, as I have submitted to His will more, I have experienced the veils being lifted from my own eyes. I may never completely understand these experiences but, I believe I have grown stronger and closer to Him as a result. It is a strange experience and difficult to describe in writing to submit to something you don’t want to do and are resisting doing the entire time you are doing it and at the same time not seeing the work He is doing in you until much later.

One thing I would ask you to at least consider is what is God teaching you and what seeds is He planting in you now. If He is truly “plowing the soil in your life” there are lessons to be learned and blessings He wants to share with you. Remember the parable of the sower and the seed? However, there is also warning to be aware of that Satan may take advantage of this time to sow bad seed in alongside the good seed like thinking you are alone. The outcome I believe has to do with not just one’s simple obiedence but also one’s motives and where there heart is at during that time. One thing to consider may be in your comment “… he sure did not deserve my time or my love…but the Lord has been showing me that Love may just be changing him and I see now that it is-a little at a time.” I understand what you mean but turn the comment arround for God’s perspective “What have any of us ever done to deserve God’s attention, caring, time or love?” By showing unconditional love you are undoubtedly having an impact on your father. However have you considered how much this is in line with the woman God wants you to be? I may be far off but I believe He has a great blessing in store for you if you continue to follow Him and His will no matter how hard it may seem. My only caution for you is not to think you have to do everything by yourself to please Him or to be in His will. Seeking help is not the sign of weakness as much as it is a sign of wisdom.

It is late for me and I have a big day tomorrow. May God continue to direct your steps and watch over you and protect you from all evil.
God Bless in Jesus name,

Amen
Paul

12 11 2009
regaz2009

Kymberly,

I was talking to my brother last night and he reminded me of our upcoming annual audit regarding our guardianship of our mother. I am not sure why but, it triggered a thought of you and your father. As you continue your journey of caring for your father, it will be far easier for both of you if you can get him to give you power of attorney over him.

My mother was a very strong willed, intelligent, and very independent person. She was also very loving, wise and kind as well but, she never gave us power of attorney to help her out as she got older. As a result, we were forced to take legal action against our mother and requested the court system to grant us guardianship over her affairs. It was an ugly fight having to have one’s own parrent declared legally incompetient but, a neccesary one in order to ensure she is being cared for as best as is possible and to protect her from herself as her paranoia increased while she progressed further into the Alzeimer’s. Now each year we must provide documentation of our care to the courts for evaluation and reconsideration of our guardianship petition. This includes documentation on any money we have spent on her care, documentation on her current health condition and any other information the court requests. For us this is simply a formality but it is also a reminder of painful decisions that lead us to where we are today.

If you can avoid this it will be much easier for you as you deal with your father’s on going needs especially as it relates to HIPPA laws and requesting information from and help from Medicare and Social Security.

Continuing in prayer for you,
Paul

14 11 2009
kymberlyrenee

Morning, Paul

Well I reckon I spoke out to soon…

Or the adversary was just waiting to pounce my home and my dad.
Seems he has chosen to start drinking again, the day after we spoke, then last night.

Let me give you the run down on the real situation going on around me

It started yesterday, it has been raining for days and when my dad gets lonely bad things can happen…his old drinking friends came over and hung out around the house and I could tell dad did not want drinking in the house or around him ( the temptation) so everyone went down to the river ( we live on the river ) and sat in there trucks , watched the water and drank…well my dad chose to stay at the house and he did well most of the day, then one of the men came to the house and asked him to ride down the river with him…and that’s the end of the story.
They all got drunk and left my dad on the river all night in a small trailer with no heat and no dinner, and I decided not to go get him, because I cannot carry him and I knew he could not walk…and I am just feed up, not only with these people he calls friends but with all of it and I am tired.

This morning , he yells at me and tells me I do not care because I did not come get him and feed him dinner.

I know in his heart he wants to be free of drinking, I saw him all week make good decision…and tell these people no..but the loneliness got him I suppose, he does not do well alone.And they cannot take his money if they do not get him drunk ( that’s another story )

Ok to your last post, his nephew has power of attorney as well as power over his will…my dad has a will and has no idea what’s on it …he also has no idea what his bills/or money are and what all he has done..he cannot read and he easily trust this nephew…the nephew tells me that him and his ex wife are in charge of all my dads belongings, and money if he was to die..and have abused and neglect my dad for many years- I feel.
I could break it down for you but it is to much to write in a post. Also medically he ha brain/nerve deteration from drinking all his life- and I fear he is not making sound decision, for not only his welfare, but his life.

I have thought of trying to get control him and his things, but am not sure how to go about this with not enough money to pay for a lawyer at this time.And I am really tried of all this drama and family fighting .Thank goodness I have the Lord in my life 🙂 without him I would be a real mess .

I am so very thankful for your post-it helps to give me ideas and new ways to handle the situation…I am not sure what your last advice was -are you saying I should an I go before the judge alone ?

Thank you so much

Blessings from the Lord

15 11 2009
regaz2009

Kymberly,

I sent you a message, to the e-mail listed, yesterday.

I am still feeling a little bit sick today but, I wanted to remind you of something.

I know what you are going thru is difficult. However that doesn’t mean God is not there for you. Many times in my life some of the greatest blessings God has shared with me came disquised as big problems. On the same note, some things that came to me that I initially thought were blessings were actually big problems.

If you want to talk more however, I will share everything that I have learned in my last 8 years of dealing with my mom’s struggels.

God Bless,

Paul

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